So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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