I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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