Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Randomize
