I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
