So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
