Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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