At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You dont lie about slip and slides
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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