Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
