I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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