He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
