I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
