I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
