the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
