Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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