I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
