It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
