WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
