bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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