someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
