dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
