I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
