My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
