Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
