Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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