dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Im part way to drunk.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
