She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
