2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
