what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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