get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
