Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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