i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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