oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Randomize
