dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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