Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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