and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
