i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
