Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
