You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
