dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
