Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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