God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
