Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
