how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
