i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
