First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
