Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
