I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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