I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
