I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
