Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
