My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
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